Making American Friends
I'm sure many of you are excited (and nervous) to meet Americans! I know this won't be a goal for everyone, but I want to take some time to explain some of the key factors that will influence your success in this challenge.
Although I do not have a PhD in Anthropology or Intercultural Studies, I did study abroad during my time at NC State. Out of the 15 students in my program (the Thai Ethnographic Field School), I was the most successful of all my classmates: I made the most connections with Thai people, experienced the most of Thai culture, and produced the most in-depth reports. I was this successful because I followed the advice from my advisor, so I hope you will take these points seriously.
Although I do not have a PhD in Anthropology or Intercultural Studies, I did study abroad during my time at NC State. Out of the 15 students in my program (the Thai Ethnographic Field School), I was the most successful of all my classmates: I made the most connections with Thai people, experienced the most of Thai culture, and produced the most in-depth reports. I was this successful because I followed the advice from my advisor, so I hope you will take these points seriously.
#1. Have Realistic Goals and Expectations
Adjusting to a new culture, especially one that is so different from China, is going to take you YEARS. Do not beat yourself up for making mistakes or struggling!
Americans are generally easy to talk to and are quick to make acquaintances or casual friends. It does, however, take a long time to develop a close relationship with an American. Don't get discouraged - these things take time in the US!
A great visual to keep in mind is the Peaches and Coconut analogy.
Americans are generally like peaches: they are soft and sweet on the outside and quick to make casual connections, but there is a hard pit in the center. It takes time and consistent effort for them to open up about deep or personal issues and become very close friends. This doesn't mean that Americans don't take friendships seriously, they just have a longer "acquaintance" period. Americans also value independence a great deal, so they are often busy doing "their own thing" and schedule time periodically to hang out with friends.
Chinese people are generally like coconuts: they are hard on the surface and sweet on the inside. Getting close to a Chinese person, even as an acquaintance, might be difficult. However, once that barrier is past, they are very devoted and serious about their friendships.
Americans are generally easy to talk to and are quick to make acquaintances or casual friends. It does, however, take a long time to develop a close relationship with an American. Don't get discouraged - these things take time in the US!
A great visual to keep in mind is the Peaches and Coconut analogy.
Americans are generally like peaches: they are soft and sweet on the outside and quick to make casual connections, but there is a hard pit in the center. It takes time and consistent effort for them to open up about deep or personal issues and become very close friends. This doesn't mean that Americans don't take friendships seriously, they just have a longer "acquaintance" period. Americans also value independence a great deal, so they are often busy doing "their own thing" and schedule time periodically to hang out with friends.
Chinese people are generally like coconuts: they are hard on the surface and sweet on the inside. Getting close to a Chinese person, even as an acquaintance, might be difficult. However, once that barrier is past, they are very devoted and serious about their friendships.
#2. Get out of your comfort zone
Trust me, I know that culture shock, homesickness and other stresses will make it tempting to just stay with your Chinese friends. You'll need to fight against that "Chinese bubble" temptation if you want to connect with the local people. If you want the benefits of American connections, you need to be willing to spend a few weeks or even months feeling uncomfortable and lonely. Bridging that cultural gap is not easy, but it will be well worth the effort!
I was in Thailand for 42 days in total, and the first three weeks I spent on my own as much as possible. My advisor explained that if I went out in public in a group with my classmates, it would prevent any Thai from approaching me. I cried a lot during the second week, but by the end of the 4th week, I had made my first Thai friend and then everything became so much easier and enriching.
If you go out in public with all Chinese friends and speak Chinese in public, Americans will assume:
1. You can't speak English or
2. You don't want to speak English
Either assumption will make most Americans ignore you, because they assume you are not interested in them. We may be independent and friendly, but we are shy too.
So, when you go out on campus, try to be on your own or at maximum, one other friend. You will be a lot easier to approach that way. Again, I know this will be intimidating or scary, but I know from experience that it is important!
I was in Thailand for 42 days in total, and the first three weeks I spent on my own as much as possible. My advisor explained that if I went out in public in a group with my classmates, it would prevent any Thai from approaching me. I cried a lot during the second week, but by the end of the 4th week, I had made my first Thai friend and then everything became so much easier and enriching.
If you go out in public with all Chinese friends and speak Chinese in public, Americans will assume:
1. You can't speak English or
2. You don't want to speak English
Either assumption will make most Americans ignore you, because they assume you are not interested in them. We may be independent and friendly, but we are shy too.
So, when you go out on campus, try to be on your own or at maximum, one other friend. You will be a lot easier to approach that way. Again, I know this will be intimidating or scary, but I know from experience that it is important!
#3. Become a "Regular" somewhere
Find a public place, such as one of the cafes, lounges, or libraries on campus, and go there a few times a week at the same time. You will notice as you make it a routine, that you encounter some of the same people. If you can join a club, fitness class, or other social events, even better! The point is to make your presence "normal" to the Americans there. If they recognize your face (even if they haven't officially met you) they'll be less shy and more willing to talk to you.
This is advice my advisor gave us in Thailand, and I can speak from experience that this is true! I went to the local temple often, and that is where I made my first Thai friend (one of the workers at the Wat). Once you make that first connection, you will meet their friends, and your network will expand!
One point I would like to bring up here, is that North Carolina is considered part of the "Bible Belt." This means that Christianity is relatively popular here. If Americans come up to you and are really friendly and want to talk to you, chances are they have religious motivations to do so. That's not necessarily a bad thing, just keep it in mind! Remember that Christians believe they should be friendly and talk about Jesus to non-believers.
This is advice my advisor gave us in Thailand, and I can speak from experience that this is true! I went to the local temple often, and that is where I made my first Thai friend (one of the workers at the Wat). Once you make that first connection, you will meet their friends, and your network will expand!
One point I would like to bring up here, is that North Carolina is considered part of the "Bible Belt." This means that Christianity is relatively popular here. If Americans come up to you and are really friendly and want to talk to you, chances are they have religious motivations to do so. That's not necessarily a bad thing, just keep it in mind! Remember that Christians believe they should be friendly and talk about Jesus to non-believers.
#4. Ask questions
,Students attending NC State are at a real advantage for making American friends, because this university is in the South! Generally, the people in Raleigh a lot friendlier and willing to talk to strangers than if you went to New York or other large cities. Some key pointers to keep in mind:
Americans usually like to help people! If you "look lost" and an American is just standing around nearby, you can ask them for help or if you have a question. If they are not obviously busy looking, they will be willing to help or at least answer your question most of the time!
Americans usually like to give their advice or opinion! If you ask someone what they think about a topic, they more than likely will tell you! However, some topics to avoid are: religion, politics, how much money they make, sexual orientation. The video below offers some great advice about how to talk to people you don't know well.
Americans are usually pretty tolerant of foreign accents! If you are nervous about not being able to speak well, try not to worry too much. The moment Americans hear the accent, the majority will understand you are not a native English speaker and will be patient. It is not common for Americans to openly ridicule someone for not speaking English correctly. The only time it gets awkward for an American, is if they honestly can't understand what you are trying to say to them, so they don't know what you want or how to help you.
Americans usually like to help people! If you "look lost" and an American is just standing around nearby, you can ask them for help or if you have a question. If they are not obviously busy looking, they will be willing to help or at least answer your question most of the time!
Americans usually like to give their advice or opinion! If you ask someone what they think about a topic, they more than likely will tell you! However, some topics to avoid are: religion, politics, how much money they make, sexual orientation. The video below offers some great advice about how to talk to people you don't know well.
Americans are usually pretty tolerant of foreign accents! If you are nervous about not being able to speak well, try not to worry too much. The moment Americans hear the accent, the majority will understand you are not a native English speaker and will be patient. It is not common for Americans to openly ridicule someone for not speaking English correctly. The only time it gets awkward for an American, is if they honestly can't understand what you are trying to say to them, so they don't know what you want or how to help you.
#5. Follow your interests
If you pursue your interests at NC State, you will find Americans that share that interest. This can help you get the conversation started, because you already have something you can talk to or ask them about!
Do you play sports? Make use of the NC State Gym and Rec Center!
Do you enjoy the outdoors? Sign up for one of the Rec Center camping trips!
Do you like anime? Join the NCSU Anime or Cosplay clubs!
Do you enjoy art? Take a class at the NC State Crafts Center or volunteer to help with NCSU's literary art magazine: the Windhover!
The possibilities are endless, but you can always check out NCSU's Get Involved to see what events, student organizations and clubs are available to you! Anther great resource is ARTS NC State!
Do you play sports? Make use of the NC State Gym and Rec Center!
Do you enjoy the outdoors? Sign up for one of the Rec Center camping trips!
Do you like anime? Join the NCSU Anime or Cosplay clubs!
Do you enjoy art? Take a class at the NC State Crafts Center or volunteer to help with NCSU's literary art magazine: the Windhover!
The possibilities are endless, but you can always check out NCSU's Get Involved to see what events, student organizations and clubs are available to you! Anther great resource is ARTS NC State!
#6. Explore and Engage as much as you can!
When it comes to making American friends and experiencing the culture, you will get out what effort you put in. You will not meet anyone if you just go to class, eat, and go back to your dorm to study all night.
Your college life is NOT just about making good grades, but exploring your personal interests and talents, developing your social skills and networking, completing internships and other work experience!
I'd like to share some of the experiences of one of our Spring 17 students, Gabby Xiong. She had only been in the US for 4 months, but she already has solid connections at NC State! She accomplished this by not only attending events, but reaching out to the Americans she met there and inviting them to hang out, or accepting their invitations. She also attended as many campus events as she could, which also allowed her to meet new people. She joined one of the NC State dance clubs, and also joined one of NC State's home-stay programs for one of the holiday breaks. All of these experiences, and her willingness to get out there and interact, have resulted in a RICH first semester experience and developing connections across campus! Take Gabby as an example: you CAN do it!
Your college life is NOT just about making good grades, but exploring your personal interests and talents, developing your social skills and networking, completing internships and other work experience!
I'd like to share some of the experiences of one of our Spring 17 students, Gabby Xiong. She had only been in the US for 4 months, but she already has solid connections at NC State! She accomplished this by not only attending events, but reaching out to the Americans she met there and inviting them to hang out, or accepting their invitations. She also attended as many campus events as she could, which also allowed her to meet new people. She joined one of the NC State dance clubs, and also joined one of NC State's home-stay programs for one of the holiday breaks. All of these experiences, and her willingness to get out there and interact, have resulted in a RICH first semester experience and developing connections across campus! Take Gabby as an example: you CAN do it!
#7. Use American Social Media + Websites
It will be difficult to follow up with any Americans you meet, or discover events and opportunities, if you aren't on the same "network" as them! Below is a list of essential social media apps you should download when you arrive and get into the habit of using:
It is also important to know the American equivalents of these popular apps:
- Facebook - Still one of the best ways to keep in contact with American friends. It's generally less invasive to ask someone "Are you on Facebook?" than "Can I have your number?" <- This question is usually considered flirting. Also, many NC State clubs have Facebook pages, and one group, Wolfpack Students, is a GREAT way for you to contact THOUSANDS of NC State students!
- Messenger - Similar to WeChat, but it is connected to your Facebook friends and phone contacts
- Instagram- Basically the US version of WeChat Moments
- Tinder - You may want to use caution with this, as it is used for online dating
- Uber - A Taxi app that is popular among international students to get around
It is also important to know the American equivalents of these popular apps:
- Google (Baidu)
- Google Maps - This is extremely useful to help you get around!
- Transloc - Specifically to help you use the Wolfline and GoTriangle buses!
- Amazon (Alibaba)
- Youtube (Youku)